Almost two months coming, my knee seems to be less swollen and i was able to walk very slowly without my clutches. Wonder if i can ditch away the clutches after the end of Feb.

anyway, life has been good, albeit the agony of having to use my clutches. The agony, i kept inside. i didn’t want anyone to feel pity or sorry for me. Keep it in your heart. i would appreciate it.

and i don’t need your stares. If i am stronger, i would love to poke your eyes with my clutches. Children i forgive, not adults. YES, i am not normal. YES, i am crippled for now. Do you really have to look at me like looking at someone who is not a human being? What’s wrong with me?? it’s just 2 clutches and a black knee brace. I am still me.

a few days ago, i was looking through my stuffs to find a passport sized photo. as i was looking through a box of cards, mostly birthday wishes cards, i picked up one that was written 2 years ago. By my bros.

I remembered being emotional, a smile hanging over my face. Those were the days. Before i came back to 2012, i realised my eyes had moistened. How i wished i could protect myself. That i would not get injured, that i will not make this decision. I looked back and see on the card about me having to juggle between two ccas and i realised even though i kept complaining about it, i was actually very very happy during that periods of struggling with studies, netball and tennis. Because i was well, and active and i can run about. Not like this, stuck with clutches and operation scars to constantly reminding me that i can never be whole again. Who knows i might never be that girl again.

yeah, getting pretty emo there. But that’s the truth. Will i be myself again? i feel that i am slowly changing. i don’t feel like going out anymore, with all those stares. My eyes say ignore it, but my heart tells me otherwise. Do you know how i feel??

always a tough front. Never letting anyone to see this side of me.

i can only pray that my knee get better everyday. As for playing netball or tennis again, i’ll think about it again.

ha, the agony. what’s my agony when i am chauffeured to school and back home? i guess no ones will truly understand unless maybe you are in the same situation as me.

What’s so nice when my dad have to give up his time driving me to school, to hospital? Time is money, especially while he makes a living out of driving a taxi.

what’s so nice when i had to bear the pain of doing my physio, that my physiotherapist keep pushing my to my boundaries? So that i may heal faster.

What’s so nice when i have to constantly worried that i might slip and fall and aggravate whatever condition i had? i think i had slipped 4 times. Was that the reason why my knee seems to be healing so slowly?

What’s so nice about icing my knee every single day since the operation, at least 3 times a day, when i see my knee all red and swollen? Or doing my own physio at home so that i can build up my thigh muscle from scratch? all i feel is a lump of soft flesh, not sturdy muscle.

Sometimes i really really want to give up. Seriously if not for school, i don’t even want to see anyone, even my close friends. Just rot at home with my laptop. but no. i can’t. i still have my Europe trip in June. i had to get better enough to even walk properly.

i can’t bear to see my leg anymore, let alone other people.

alright, putting this aside. Not trying to get you feel sorry for me. I just need some portal to vent my frustrations.

Valentine’s Day is coming yet again. Should be spending my day in school and hospital and home. Nothing to worry about. I am used to it already.

In the meantime, planning my Europe trip can clear my negative thoughts away. lol. School work will be getting tedious, with practicals coming up soon. Am i fit to carry out my practicals?

i don’t like my new physio. she said my condition is the same as last physio session. no compassion at all, just plain blunt words. LOL. fine, i will work harder. really need to walk without clutches asap. i need to go back to work to earn more $$$

getting very excited about our UK trip. haha. another 4 more months. now looking thru the flight details. hopefully able to book them by this week. why am i like getting nervous about this? i see my friends not proactive????

watching another new show again! my log book still not done yet!!!!

Yup. The first week is coming to an end. This would be the only week that I can slack and watch my shows for all I want without worrying about anything else, perhaps just this thing that I need to submit in another two weeks time. Damn.

Prof Chris Seal came over from Newcastle to give us a talk about the Newcastle experience in July!! Can’t wait already. Most probably gonna go there early and extend a few days!!!!?? Who’s with me? Haha. So looking forward to it. By march, we must have plans and we need to book our flights by then!!! Olympic London is on 27 July! Hopefully the flight tickets are not going to be expensive and hopefully I can manage to choke up money for the trip! *prays*

Had my first personal tutor meeting. It was weird, nagging and I was abit unprepared for the questions. So my answers were lame and stupid and without any thinking. Lol. Oh he said we’ll be getting our results by end of feb!! Omgggggg. Really hope that I don’t flunk any of the papers!! But at least I learnt my lesson. I will do better for the next exams!

Another physio session tmr morning. 5th week already and I still can’t lift and straighten my leg. Exactly how long am I gonna do before it recover fully? So losing my faith and at times I really feel that I made the worst decision of my life. Dad says I ask for the operation, willingly. Yes, I did. Do I regret it? Frankly, I don’t know.

I am really really scared.